Welcome to Our Birth Story 🤍

Our sweet love was born the evening of July 24, 2025. The sun was bright with droplets of rain, all shining through as you entered the world with a fierce cry. 

For years I had dreamed of this moment. I had heard God calling me to this experience. Delivering our little one to the world in the most instinctive way. The way our ancestors did, unrefined. 

So it began, on Monday I had a relaxing massage, chiropractic adjustment, and an acupuncture appointment. I also got to spend time with a dear sister who was in town, she prayed over me, and encouraged me to keep pressing on. 

Over the weeks I wrestled with God’s plan for our family. If I did not go into labor before Wednesday, I would need to do a membrane sweep. I did not want to ever intervene or induce this baby, I did not feel I was ever called to that type of delivery. So, this decision was very heavy on my heart. I do believe God calls us to intervene at times, I was listening close. Although baby and I were both healthy with no complications, I wanted to make the wisest decision for my family before we approached 42 weeks on Thursday. Though, graciously, we have a God who is named El Roi. El Roi, the God who sees us and who hears our cries. 

Monday afternoon I went into early labor. As I headed home I cried and I cried, worshipping, thanking El Roi for this answered prayer. I knew this was the beginning. We had an ultrasound scheduled that evening to check on our girl. We could have declined, she was active, but it felt good to say hello. She passed all her tests, we were both very healthy! As Kavika and I headed home we reminisced on the pregnancy and talked about how excited we were to finally meet our little love. 

Tuesday came, contractions were still consistent but far in between and very manageable. I did some cleaning around the house and my good friend, who is also my physical therapist, came over for an appointment. Tuesday night it became hard to sleep as contractions progressed. 

Wednesday was a good day because Kavika was finally off work! My doula, Amanda, said babies make their way once daddy is home. Contractions became more intense but still manageable. I had bloody show throughout the day. I had finally begun active labor! I continued updating my birth team. I focused on rest, hydration, and nutrition while timing contractions intermittently. Kavika prepped the house for someone’s special birthday. Wednesday night I was not able to sleep.

Thursday July 24, 2025 

This day I will honor forever and ever. I woke Kavika up at 4am to help me through contractions. I continued timing and communicating with my birth team. Contractions were intense, I instinctively worked through them with deep groans, positioning myself on my hands and knees. My doula, Amanda, arrived at 7am and we took a short walk in the sun. Over the next few hours Amanda ran her hands through my hair and Kavika applied pressure to my hips. I talked to my baby and to God while listening to the ever sweet praises of His name. I labored in the freedom and peace of my home, feeling each contraction but taking control with my mind and breath. Worshipping in between. The tens unit and deep squeezes to my hips were very helpful by this point. 

Once we headed upstairs I was in transition, my contractions were only three minutes apart. My second doula, Anna; the birth assistant, Mae; and my midwife, Kizie, were on their way. Anna arrived first and I sobbed, releasing emotions, letting go as I held her hand. I still felt very capable, mentally, and physically strong to finish this journey. I looked up at my daughter’s name on the wall. My doulas encouraged me every step of the way and Kavika never stopped holding onto me. I was awe struck at the reality we were in. We were going to have this baby! 

Contractions became inconsistent, transition lasted awhile. My midwife questioned if they had been this inconsistent the whole time, this comment made me doubt my body. Why is my body working backwards? Why don’t I know my body and how to help my baby? Where is my intuition? I consented to a cervical check and was dilated 7cm, we were all so surprised I was that close. This boosted my mood, I can do this. The check was uncomfortable but it was needed, baby was not positioned well. She needed to be lifted up and settled back into my pelvis. We went down the stairs and did inversions through three contractions. This was tough. 

Back to my bed on my hands and knees I began fetal ejection reflex. I then moved to the pool thinking we were moments away and it was such a relief. My water broke and these contractions were so back to back I had a hard time controlling my breath. I repeated “I can do this” and my doulas affirmed me. I gripped onto Anna and Amanda, leaning into their femininity. Kavika gripped my hips, holding me in the water. I believed in myself and I trusted the Lord’s will but I didn’t feel any progress, I struggled with the idea that this could take a really long time. My midwife said that these positions were “pinching baby off”. That comment rooted itself, that made me believe I didn’t know my body and my body was not capable of moving baby into the best position.  I always thought I would have the intuition to do what was best for baby. To listen and feel so that I knew how to help baby down. I didn’t. I had to get out of the pool. I had always envisioned myself in the water, grabbing my baby, but this was no longer my reality. I breathed deeply into myself and groaned loudly like a mother in war. I can still do this. God is still faithful. 

We tried many positions, gravity was not on our side. We then found that being on my back was the most productive. I didn’t want to be on my back but at this point I was so exhausted and out of touch that I accepted this to be the way my baby would come out. I tried to get back up, baby and body protested. Back down I go. I pushed and pushed with each contraction, where was she? I pleaded with God and our girl, “God help me. Please let this one be it.” Something was not right so my midwife insisted on a check. I consented. It felt incredibly unbearable. This check was quite traumatic and left me feeling compromised. There was a cervical lip. I could barely catch my breath. My midwife removed her hands and baby was okay, still as strong as ever and nicely aligned into my pelvis. Thank God. 

I was in war with my mind, “Please Lord let this one be it”, “Come on baby you can do this!” My team encouraged me to feel the top of her head, she was crowning. I felt emotionless. Everyone was cheering me on but there was only one voice that I heard, Kavika’s. I needed to hear him. I felt so far away from this experience. I didn’t trust that my body was on my side. I kept fighting because I knew God had led me to this. We were safe. Her head came out and then shortly after I could not hold another contraction for her to rotate, she was ready. She flew out with both shoulders straight into daddy’s arms. I heard her cry. I heard his laughter. 

I felt so far away. There was no relief, no oxytocin, no emotions, I was stuck. She had so much vernix, so mighty and healthy. The cord was already white. I had always wished to see the cord go white, to see the passage of nutrients from placenta to baby. The cord was too short for me to kiss her head and breastfeed her, my sweet baby I could not feed. I felt defeated. I had to push three or four different times to birth the placenta. I felt so distant and stuck in time, things around me moved too quickly. Then I began hemorrhaging so I drank some herbs, they didn’t work well so I received two shots of pitocin. That worked and I am so glad it did. Though, my heart felt numb. 

I was shaking uncontrollably and I was still searching for that relief. The dissociation was protecting me, little did I know. I did know for certain that baby was safe in daddy’s arms. While I couldn’t see them from the floor, I tried to live through their fresh joy. I felt guilty and ashamed for not being able to bond, for not being present. It took me a few hours before I could cuddle and feed her. It took me two days to fight my way out of the warfare in my mind and back into my body. It felt like a lifetime. It felt like I would never know my girl. 

I knew her. She had spent ten months growing resilient inside of me. I am proud of my body for pressing on, for my health, strength, and the agency to do what I was created to do. I am proud of my baby, her heart rate was a resonant rhythm the entire time. I am proud of my husband for his tenacity and masculinity. His soft words spoke life to me, his hands reminded me that he was not going anywhere. We were a team. I needed this birth. This is not the birth I envisioned but this is the birth I needed, to be sanctified and transformed into the mother I am today. 

Havilah Quinn Crozier breathed life on July 24th, Havilah means virtue born out of trial. This is our story. I love you, my girl. The Lord has called you His and His abundant glory has shined through you. 

Psalm 139

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart